Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #345 on Nov 3, 2009, 10:49am »
The Years of harmony and Love
Here ....here! Y'all better believe it.....this is how it wuz fifty five years ago and ah ain't seen any reason fer it tuh change. They wuz real ladies in those days who wuz appreciated by a dying breed called 'gentlemen' Yup, those ladies took great pride in their domain, the house, the family and their chosen 'life' spouse. Those were the years of HARMONY and LOVE.
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom.
Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #346 on Nov 12, 2009, 2:09pm »
Vaseline Market Research...
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young Woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the Product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say That they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for Your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how You use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it On the door knob to keep the kids out." ( AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? )
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #347 on Nov 14, 2009, 7:56am »
A father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He calls in at a large Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's you know what's!!!
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #348 on Nov 18, 2009, 1:52pm »
Y'all listen up now! Ah'm gonna say this but one time! -----
Henry returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Henry asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Henry, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #349 on Nov 22, 2009, 9:44am »
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #350 on Nov 25, 2009, 2:08pm »
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #351 on Nov 29, 2009, 7:13am »
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you'veprobably beenoverdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh,"the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #353 on Nov 29, 2009, 10:26am »
A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms...." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.....", to which the druggist replied:
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #354 on Dec 1, 2009, 6:17am »
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #355 on Dec 5, 2009, 10:21am »
I met an old timer who had been married for 66 years. We chatted about life and marriage fer a while and in the end ah had to ask that important question.......
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
Look, no one cares how bad your English is, so long as your Scotch is good.
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 858
Re: Laughter Lines « Reply #356 on Dec 7, 2009, 11:52am »
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
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